Things are going pretty good…

Of course I hesitate to say things are good…but they really are. Finances are getting figured out, I guess. Maybe I’m just not thinking about them as much so they’re not as stressful. My relationship with the beautiful L is better than I would have ever expected. What a difference from the relationships in the past. Everything just feels so easy and “right”. Officially 2 months on the 8th…but feels like we’ve been together for much, much longer!

My only hangup is that we cannot see each other as much as we would like. But L is working on getting a couple Saturday’s a month off. She’ll then right Light Rail up to Folsom and I’ll just pick her up on my way home. That will work out well because she can stay Friday night and Saturday night, then I’ll just drop her off at the LR on Sunday morning. I feel so lucky that she is willing use the train/bus in order to spend time together. She needs to know how much that means to me.

Not much else going on right now. Work is work and it’s not much different than it’s been for the last year+…which isn’t really a good thing.

Getting back to it

So I haven’t written anything for a while and I think it’s time to start again. Especially after these last few weeks. So many new and familiar emotions that I’m experiencing in such a short time.

Today I’m feeling a little regret for expressing a feeling that is probably not developed enough to take seriously. I’ve never understood why I can jump from one thing to the next without looking at the situation and realizing that it’s the same pattern as I was just in. Now this situation is considerably different from the standpoint of how I feel towards her, but the fact that I am mentally committing myself at such an early point is what is concerning to me. Take away the fact that I’ve done this a couple times in the past and it might not be as big of an issue. Some people would just call it “love at first site” or just simply being hit by Cupid’s arrow. I know that I can’t discount the history I have with this same thing, however. Right now I am struggling with discussing my emotions and working through them because the only one I can really talk to is the person that I feel all these things towards. I’m just not sure how productive that is. It would probably be a good idea to increase my sessions with Marie so that I can keep my emotional vault (or whatever) clean and clear.

This morning when I was thinking about what I said to her last night, I realized that my ego still has more control of me than I want. I’m afraid that there are certain things I share just so that I can get a reaction, in the same way someone would simply ask “how do you feel about me?”. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be in control of me. How do I keep being honest and open with her without crossing the line into where I feel like I over shared.

This relationship is getting very complicated, but I am so confident that we are supposed to be together. So I’m also confident that we’ll figure it out eventually.

So good, then so not

What a great day Saturday turned into. I could not have expected to spend the day with such a sweet, interesting, kind person. Since that night, I’ve been thinking a lot about what “this” is, what does she want from “this”. I shouldn’t worry about it, right? Why can’t I just enjoy a new person in my life without worrying about so many details? Why does my brain work like this? I need to fight these instincts and just live life. Things will get sorted.

The “so not” part was to be expected, I guess. Can’t just have a no drama weekend, can I? Time to figure out how to re-key a lock…

Temptation

So I am a bit conflicted. Here’s the deal…I have a Match.com profile that I try to keep updated. I’ll usually get the “Top Matches” email and look real quick then delete it. Yesterday, I went to the site and looked at the “Top 5″ that they select for you. Someone really stood out to me, so that got my mind going. After all the break-up stuff went down, I told myself that I probably shouldn’t do the online dating things again because I didn’t feel like it was an accurate representation of the person. Of course my last 2 relationships started online, so I’m definitely a little jaded. The other thing is that the contact was initiated by the other person. I definitely have a weakness to someone who shows interest in me. But is this just me trying to justify wanted to move forward with this new face?

After listening to my friends talk about their dating experiences, I’ve realized that there are a lot of dumb guys out there. I can be better than at least half of those, right!?

Maybe I’ll seek advice from my friends. Right now, I’m just fighting with myself as to what I should do.

Up off the canvas

Another tough week, but I seem to be recovering faster then I used to. I can relate it to a boxer that’s been hit so many times that he starts to figure out how to absorb the blow.

There are still many issues to be resolved, but for now I am not letting them consume my mind until it’s the right time to deal with them. Both cars are having issues, the house situation is still unresolved, and I’m still looking to be more social and active in a group setting (not going very well).

The FE hasn’t been around all week, which might not be a bad thing. I’m still undecided on that situation. There is a large part in me that just wants to find out what her deal is and if I’m crazy to think that she looks at right at me when I’m eating lunch. Who know, I’m too chicken to just walk up to her and say “Hello, I’m Ian. I’ve seen you around a lot, but haven’t had the chance to talk to you.” I wish I could trace back what changed in my personality to make something so simple seem so daunting.

*shrug* All I can do is stay positive and try to not get to attached to one thought, person or situation. Just let life flow and eventually the right situation will present its self…..right??

10-4 over and out

Decisions

Why do my bad decisions seem to sit over my head like a black cloud and continue to remind me of the mistake I made. I just want to move on and accept that I made a mistake, but the universe is intent on continually throwing it in my face.

How can I not doubt anything I do forever knowing that a wrong turn won’t allow me to get back on track until I’m completely broken down.

Tough times.

Today/tomorrow

Today was a very good day. I was able to catch up with a friend at lunch. From that conversation another friendship might develop. Her sister will be moving up from the Bay Area and we thought that we should really try and include her in activities so she doesn’t feel all alone. We’ll see what happens with that.

The only thing that I wasn’t real happy with today was something that happened with my friend at work. Apparently I told her that I would having lunch and playing Fluxx, but instead I went downtown for lunch. She seemed genually disappointed but assured me it was no big deal. I don’t believe her. The rest of the day felt awkward a bit tense. Maybe I’m reading more into than I should, but I’m sensitive to how other people are feeling, especially if they are feeling a certain way because of something I did/said. She has Thursday off and I will miss her. She truly makes my work day so much better. I am happy that she gets the day off to deal with her wedding stuff, though.

I should go to sleep, but I wanted to do a quick brain dump before I hit the pillow.

‘nite

Judging people based on things they like?

I had an interesting exchange with my friend a little while ago. He asked me what I was up to tonight and I told him that I was just laying around, watching the baseball All Star game. His response was “no comment” as if he didn’t approve of what I was doing. OK, I get it, you don’t like baseball. Many people don’t like baseball, but don’t make me feel embarrassed for enjoying it. This is something, that I’m sure I do as well, but hopefully I can try and work on it because it doesn’t make the other person feel very good.

For instance…I was eating lunch with my new friends today and they were talking about Coldplay (because they were in town and one of them was going to the concert). Well I’m not a fan of Coldplay at all, but I could tell they really love his work. So I just sat there and enjoyed the fact that they were happy about something. Who cares if it’s not something that you care about? I have no right to rain on other people’s parades.

Just my $.02 for the night.

Conflicting feelings

Maybe it’s because I not sleeping well tonight, but I’ve been having more conflicting feelings lately.  I saw Fierce Eyes (FE) again today and said “….”.  Yeah, not a very smooth move.  Seeing her today got my mind racing what being in a relationship is all about.

Good: Getting to know someone new, doing things I would otherwise not be able to do by myself, feeling some one’s touch, making someone laugh and also laughing with someone, being appreciated, being missed, wanting to do nothing else but see that person.

Bad: Possibly dealing with their friends/family, being pulled in different directions, emotions going up and down, wanting different things.

Apparently I’m at a point where there are far more good items than bad.  My focus over the next few weeks is to put myself into social situations where I can just get comfortable with talking to people I don’t know.  My friends have suggested Meetup.org, Sierra Club, etc.  I think it would be good to at least see what types of groups are out there.

With all of us being so connected these days, why does it seem harder than ever to meet people?  Are we all so content living in front of a computer screen, that we don’t care about getting out in the real world?

Now is my chance to answer that with a “NO”, I’m not content with that anymore!

Oh how things have changed.

As most everyone knows now, Roni and I have decided to split. She moved out into an apartment with the agreement that I would keep the house. So I am adjusting to having one person take care of all the daily issues. Things are going well so far.